It can be difficult to receive feedback that challenges our identity.
Early in my career, I lived in New York City and was told to lower my ‘warmth’ dial to be taken more seriously. The feedback went against my self-view. The thought of monitoring my smile and enthusiasm felt counter to who I was.
On the flip side, I have clients who have received feedback that they are too direct and could benefit by softening their approach. They often share that this different approach feels phony.
Other clients have been told to share their successes more readily and shine a spotlight on their achievements. They often recoil at the idea of self-promotion and believe that their good work deserves to be noticed without any assertation on their part.
And then there are those who are told they are ‘too much’ – too loud, too opiniated, too overbearing. A suggestion to turn down the dial can feel like a personal assault.
I commonly hear, “Why should I change the way I show up? Isn’t it more important that I am authentic?” In these moments, it’s easy to cling to our behaviors and claim authenticity.
Today, authenticity reigns king. Research indicates that it rose to one of the top ten trait desirable leadership attributes in 2022.
However, too often in the name of authenticity, we surrender to a limited vision of ourselves. We may be naturally shy and identify this trait as our authentic selves. However, if we don’t challenge our behaviors, we can be socially risk-adverse in ways that limit our potential. We may be very direct and quick to share all that’s on our minds. And while this may feel authentic, it may interfere with developing critical social nuances. Pushing ourselves to grow and develop often requires that we adopt new behaviors that feel out of character.
Authenticity and evolving identities seem to be at odds.
However, I argue that authenticity is not about honoring our uniqueness, personality preferences, and behavior tendencies. Rather, it’s about the ability to connect and tap into our shared humanity. It’s about tuning in and finding the right frequency on the radio dial.
When we connect, we experience a sense of ‘realness’ in others. Behaviors that fuel connection allow us to witness and be witnessed by others and thereby experience authenticity.
How do we do this?
It begins by understanding our North Stars; the critical guiding values that serve as a litmus test for our decisions, actions, and behaviors.
My favorite question to ask to uncover North Stars is “Who do you want to be in the context of this situation?” This question taps into our vision of how we hope to show up, even if it requires us to show up in ways that aren’t comfortable or natural at first. From our response to this question, we can extract the guiding principle to inform our behaviors, even if it feels foreign to us. It’s not about being a chameleon and changing our stripes at every turn, but about intentionally choosing behaviors to support who we want to be.
Recently, I coached a very likable leader. In fact, his likability was his superpower. He had a knack for making people feel comfortable and at ease. His warmth and gentle spirit made him approachable and trustworthy. When he was challenged by top leadership to promote greater accountability across the organization, he paused. He didn’t want to be the heavy hand, and it felt inauthentic to code switch into the tough and demanding boss.
I asked him “who do you want to be in this situation?” He didn’t respond likable, but rather shared that he wanted to be understood, respected, caring yet demanding, strong and open. With this more nuanced vision of himself, we began exploring language he could employ in these tough conversations that would allow him to set expectations, make clean agreements, demonstrate care and dignity for others, and promote the accountability the company demanded. The process allowed him to craft authentic actions in situations where he initially felt inauthentic.
As we grow, situations challenge us to present in ways that may feel uncomfortable. By accepting this challenge, our identity expands. And in the process, we are defined less by inherent personalities and evolve into chosen characters in our life story.
And in this process, we become less defined by our inherent personality, and more by the chosen character we strive to be in our life story.