Ideas That Matter

Several weeks ago, Bonnie Raitt entertained a sold-out crowd at the picturesque Red Rocks amphitheater in Colorado. Under a brilliant full moon, she performed with grace and humility, as though it were the most important concert of her career. She humbly told the audience she was nervous to sing a ballad in front of Diana Reeves, who happened to be in the audience, but that she would ‘lean in’ to her nerves. Later, she offered insights into her creative inspiration and shared stories of inner demons she’d wrestled throughout her life. And over and over, she graciously thanked her family, friends, and fans.

At one point, she told the audience she needed to collect herself and paused for a moment in silence. Then she sat on a simple stool and sang her Grammy award-winning hit, “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” With every word, you felt the pain, disappointment, and resolution as if she were living the experience in real time. The silent crowd was rapt.

In this magical moment, her star power matched her humility. Her artistic brilliance let the audience see how authentically human she is.

At Cultivage, we’ve been reflecting on humility a lot lately. It has become a cornerstone concept for our leadership curriculum. Humility seems to be the crystalizing ingredient when it comes to taking ownership of our work, improving our abilities, and starting anew in the face of setbacks.

Humility is not to be confused with humiliation – an experience that creates shame – but rather recognized as a state of deep self-awareness where we embrace our strengths and weaknesses. A sense of humility helps us see where we can get better. It is not self-deprecating; instead, it is acknowledging that we have much to learn. And it is the perfect sword to fight the grips of perfectionism.

Practicing humility can be hard, especially for those in leadership positions. Being humble can challenge our perceptions of power. It requires courage and curiosity to embrace opportunities for growth and to resist putting ourselves above others. When a leader has the humility to ask her team how she can do better, it can impact the perception of the power dynamic. And when a man leaves a well-established career to start over and chart a new adventure, it can challenge his sense of personal power, confidence, and identity.

It is no surprise that humility requires a strong sense of self. The word humility comes from the Latin word humilitas, which means ‘of the earth.’ The Humble Warrior pose in yoga offers a great visual: the legs are in a wide stance for grounded stability, the torso dropped and curled to bow to the earth, and the hands clasped behind the back and reaching upward to the sky. The pose requires control, strength, balance, and flexibility, much like the state of humility.

Dr. David Hawkins, a philosopher and medical doctor, writes that “…Humility, despite its negative public and social image in some quarters of society, is indicative of expertise, wisdom, and maturity.” And many spiritual traditions believe that deep spiritual maturity can only be achieved through the practice and principle of humility.

Practicing humility requires deep introspection. Perhaps this is why life-shattering events often bring about our humility. When we are taken to our knees, we are more likely to ask the big questions, tune in, and see the world – and our place in it – differently.

The book, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, takes the humbling experiences of people who have “fallen, failed, or gone down” in some way and eloquently reframes them as a turning point in the trajectory of those people’s lives. According to author Richard Rohr, these humbling moments are often the launch point for the second half of life where we grow internally. He values these experiences so much that he writes, “I pray for a humbling experience every day.”

To show up with humility demands we honestly assess and accept our contributions—both good and bad—to any given situation. From this vantage point, we can acknowledge where we come up short, ask for feedback and support to get better, and act on opportunities for growth.

Here are my 10 favorite questions to support a humble mindset:

1. What can I learn?

1. Where are my blind spots?

1. What don’t I understand?

1. What am I fearful of?

1. What am I avoiding?

1. Where do I need strength?

1. Where do I need support?

1. Where do I need to pause and listen?

1. What might I learn here that may be of help to others?

1. How can I be of service in this situation?

What does humility mean to you? Where do you see humility in the world around you?

Welcome to the second week of January. This month is named after Janus, the Roman god of beginnings and transition. Pictures of Janus typically have two faces with one looking forward to the future and one looking back to the past. Today, January continues to be a time for looking forward and back, inviting us to rethink and reset how we work, lead, and live.

While you may resist the practice of New Year’s resolutions believing that they are doomed to fail, research shows that using dates such as birthdays and the new year creates a ‘fresh start’ effect that helps us galvanize aspirational behaviors to initiate and achieve goals. From a statistical perspective, people are more likely to successfully change behaviors on these days than other times throughout the year. Katy Milkman, professor at Wharton and author of How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, finds that new beginnings marked by such dates “offer a kind of psychological do-over” where people can distance themselves from past failures, feel more optimistic about their future, and are more likely to set and follow through on goals.

However, this month can be about more than setting goals for exercise, health, and other habits. It can be a time for resolve – a time for deciding a more subtle, but equally powerful way of moving through a new year. What would it look like if you approach this year from a place of curiosity? And what might result from asking yourself at every possible turn “what can I learn from this experience?”  What would it look like if your focus is being of service? And what would evolve if you asked yourself everyday “what can I do to positively impact this person, team, customer, or situation?” Resolutions such as these can have a tsunami effect on one’s life.

So, if you can take advantage of January as a time to reset and resolve new habits or perspectives, the challenge then becomes maintaining the focus and commitment well into 2022. Here are a few of my favorite strategies to launch fresh starts:

Envision What is Possible: Case Western Reserve University researchers Richard Boyatzis and Anthony Jack used fMRI imaging to confirm that holding a strong vision of what you want activates areas of the brain that are critical for motivation and behavior change. They encourage developing a vision not of what you ‘ought’ to do or be, but what you truly want to do or be to tap into this motivation. Taking time to deeply imagine this vision, to try it on, and feel it come alive in you requires reflective effort. What will it look like if you achieve what you desire? How will you feel? How will it impact the way you speak, act, move and think?

Consider Process vs. Outcome Oriented Goals: Once you clarify your vision, set process-oriented goals that are within your control. I’ll share an example from a soccer player I know who set the goal of scoring 10 times in the season. While this goal aligned with his vision of a winning season, it was largely out of his control since he couldn’t predict his playing time, opponents’ strength, etc. So, he shifted to three process-oriented goals: refining his left foot shot, improving his ‘take-off’ speed when sprinting, and mastering quick passes with the mid-fielder to better position himself for scoring opportunities. He could work on these goals everyday regardless of his playing time in games. Yet, progress with these goals positioned him well when the opportunities to step into the game came his way. It is no different at work. Let’s imagine your vision for 2022 is to listen more effectively to your team. Process-oriented goals such as reflecting for three minutes to quiet your mind before you going into a meeting, thinking about who will be present and what they might be experiencing, asking specific questions to check-in and see how they are doing, and practicing pausing to let others speak before you offer your opinion can position you well for listening. When you think about your vision, what process-oriented goals can you set that are within your control?

Create Favorable Conditions: To think about creating favorable conditions for yourself, consider the following questions: Do you need to protect your sleep to have the energy you need? How might consistent time spent with a trusted advisor help you? How might blocking off two hours a week to go to your favorite coffee shop and work on your vision help you make progress? Think about the environments that help you do your best work or be your best self. Consider the people who bring out your best. Determine the time of day or day of week when you feel the best. How can you create favorable conditions for yourself?

Anticipate Obstacles: What might stand in your way? Obstacles are to be expected. However, it is common to avoid thinking ahead and planning for what may be difficult.  Anticipating obstacles isn’t about listing every possible thing that can go wrong, but rather making an honest assessment of potential pitfalls. Will a difficult relationship with one of your co-workers trigger negative behavior? Will a busy end-of-quarter keep you from doing the important innovative thinking your leadership requires? Having a strategy in place when things don’t go as planned can help you avoid the ‘what the hell effect’ that results from hitting roadblocks, which can tempt you to give up and surrender your vision.

Harness Your Drive: Perhaps nothing can help you succeed at your vision more than understanding why it is important to you. This idea ties back to visions that you want vs. visions that you ought to have. Think of the difference between committing to a health regimen because the doctor tells you that you should vs. committing to it so that you can be agile and prepared for an upcoming ski reunion with your friends. Understanding your ‘why’ gives you a strong emotional connection to your goals as it creates an alignment between what you are choosing and your core values. Research confirms that the area of your brain that processes emotions is engaged when you make decisions. And when you have a powerful emotional connection to your goals, you are more likely to make the positive decisions to move forward and experience progress. Why is your vision important to you today? What will the rewards be if you are successful executing this vision? What will your life be like if you forego this vision? What do you want to say about this situation in five years from now?

As we move through January, there is the opportunity to reset and intentionally decide how we want to work, live, and lead. Never has there been so much ground-breaking research in the areas of behavior science, neuroscience, and psychology to support a reset. Some of my favorites include the work of Harvard Medical Doctor Susan David, Wharton Professor Katy Milkman, and CEO Whitney Johnson. I hope you find their work and research helpful as well.

I wish you the very best for 2022.

Maureen

 

Several months ago, while attending a coaching training with Whitney Johnson, we discussed the role that entitlement plays in inhibiting growth. When it was suggested that all clients must battle entitlement, I resisted.

As I thought about it, I realized I was stuck on the word entitlement. It triggered me. It called to mind being spoiled, demanding, and deserving; qualities that I had a hard time believing pertained to EVERYONE. So, I sat with the dissonance and dug deeper. I asked myself, what causes entitlement? What creates this human experience? With reflection, I came to see entitlement as the result of not being able to work through disappointment when expectations differ from reality. Getting stuck in disappointment chokes our adaptive capacity and leaves us prey to entitlement.

We all experience grave disappointments throughout life. Perhaps it is a promotion we didn’t get, a contract falling through, a relationship ending, a loved one facing disease, or a raging pandemic. When life deals us disappointing experiences, it is easy to feel that ‘this is not how it was supposed to be.’ The challenge then rests in moving beyond these feelings.

A dear friend of mine faced personal tragedy when his four-year old daughter broke her neck in an accident, leaving her a quadriplegic. When his wife lamented over ‘what might have been’ had the accident not occurred, he reminded her that they had to stay in full acceptance of their new reality. Looking back at what might have been would only hurt them. So, for the last twenty years together with their daughter, this family has created a beautiful life filled with strength, courage, and resilience.

My colleague and contributor to this article, Dr. Annette Watkins, offers Richard Holling’s research as a lens for adaptation. Holling, an ecologist referred to as the “Father of Resilience Thinking,” studied natural systems – forests, fisheries, lakes, and swamps – to determine their capacity for resilience and adaptation when crises such as a fire and overwhelming pollution occurred. When comparing nature to human created systems, he found that nature is more capable of exploiting a challenging event and transforming it to an opportunity for growth, reorganization and sustainability because of its inherent diversity and variability. Sustainability is not achieved by stability but by adaptability in the face of challenge. He pointed to Darwin’s observation that ‘it is not the strong or smartest that survive. It is simply those animals most responsive to change.’

Rolling’s research illuminates adaptive human behavior.

At the heart of adaptation is acceptance and a focus on what can be controlled within a situation. Once we identify what is within our control, we can determine how to use the opportunity to grow and evolve by diversifying our thinking and tapping into different resources. The process runs parallel to innovation, and it is no accident that innovation has been a cornerstone for many individuals and organizations during 2020.

It has been a privilege to watch many of you innovate and adapt this year. We’ve personally been privy to you:

• Repositioning your enterprises

• Launching new careers

• Leading virtual teams

• Producing gala events on-line, and

• Collaborating across countries and industries to stay afloat.

Yes, there has been grave disappointment in 2020, AND people have adapted brilliantly. When people and organizations accept, align, and adapt, they transition from disappointment to possibility. It appears the formula for battling entitlement and driving innovation are one in the same.

As 2020 rolls into 2021, we must continue to process disappointment and the way we thought things should have been. This time in history requires us to:

Accept the new reality fraught with limitations and ripe with opportunities while releasing expectations of what ‘should’ have been
Align our core values and missions to the opportunities in this new reality
Adapt to new processes for moving forward one step at a time.

Carolyn Myss, an intellectual and spiritual leader, brought Samuel D. Kassow’s book, Who Will Write Our History, to my attention. The book tells of Emanual Ringelblum, a Jewish historian who collected the stories of Polish Jews both before and during the Warsaw ghetto. Once in the ghetto, Ringelblum noticed that those who held onto who they were and the lives they led before the war, were the least likely to survive. Clinging to professional titles, past privileges and status kept them from adapting to the new reality. Survival did not correlate with their physical strength and might, but instead on their ability to accept and adapt. Myss states in her summary of the book, “personal history and how one imagines how their life should be, in other words, becomes a burden in times of crisis.”

2020 has forced us to develop skills for adaptability and innovation. It has demanded we battle entitlement. And we will be better for it.

Last week I took an adult ballet class.

While executing the adagio (a slow combination of steps requiring balance, high leg extensions and absolute control), I critically compared the reflection in the mirror with my younger self…a former professional dancer whose movements were certainly more agile and balance more dependable.

As I wobbled on one leg, three words floated up from deep within. Just dance it. Don’t over analyze your balance, don’t obsess that your leg that won’t go above 90 degrees, don’t think about the next transition. Just dance it.

So I immediately committed to expressing the music and making meaning of the movement. I shifted to performance mode and danced for an imaginary audience. And as I did this, my balance took care of itself, my leg lifted with greater ease, and the steps meld together.

Everything changed the second I committed.

It felt a lot like ‘faking it until making it.” However, it’s less about faking and more about committing. Committing to the action and getting out of your head.

At RRR, we work with women transitioning into new roles, trying on new careers and advancing into challenging leadership positions. In this state of transition, many women question their capacity and worry that they don’t have what it takes. We find that it comes down to this idea of committing to action – to the dance, to speaking up at a meeting, to a new career or leadership role.

There are over one hundred verified studies that show committing to a behavior will yield wanted results eventually. Stand in positions of confidence and you’ll begin to feel more confident. Force a smile on your face and you’ll begin to feel happier.

Perhaps the most celebrated researcher in this space is Dr. Amy Cuddy who has spent a decade studying power poses. Although her initial research correlating power poses to a rise in testosterone (power hormone) and decline in cortisol (stress hormone) has been challenged, she now stands by her findings that show expansive postures can actually breed confidence and increase capacity.

As Millard Fuller, founder of Habitat for Humanity once said, “It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of acting.” It’s a lot like riding a bike. You can observe the mechanics and study how to pedal and apply the brakes from afar, but you don’t actually learn to ride a bike until you commit to the action – pushing the pedals, steadying the handlebar, and making constant micro adjustments with your body.

We will leave with you a heart-warming video of a young Spanish dancer who commits to action and transforms before your eyes. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAflReKAiIo/

Perhaps Nike has had it right all along…Just Do It!

 

The following Maya Angelou quote is a timely calling card for 2020.

“Stand up straight and realize who you are, that you tower over your circumstances.”

Realize who you are… The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines realize as the act of bring something into concrete existence. These last several months in the midst of this pandemic and tumultuous economy, I’ve witnessed many of you realize who you are as innovators, problem-solvers, servants and savvy leaders. You have had to rethink your goods and services, supply chains and the heart of your mission. And you’ve been pushed out of your comfort zone and challenged to the core, demanding you stand up and bring new parts of yourself into being.

There’s great value in learning how to show up in new ways for different situations, stakeholders and challenges. Many years ago when I served as the Executive Director of JUMPSTART Productions, I quickly learned that working with producers, artists, funders, government agents and audiences demanded different ways of thinking and being. Some circumstances required showing up strategically minded, others creatively or analytically minded. A one-size-fits-all approach rarely works for leaders.

Today as an Executive Coach, I enjoy supporting clients as they consider who they need to be in a given situation. I find that we’re typically focused on what we need to do, and then how to go about doing it. But we often overlook the critical third pillar: who we need to be. When we embrace the best mindset for a situation – whether it’s being bold, decisive, cautious, patient, or humble – we can then more easily identify the driving behaviors to engage and critical choices to make for the greatest effect. It can be a great tool for you to use with those you manage at coach. Helping your employees consider when they need to show up can make the difference between mediocre and stellar performance.

Case Western Reserve University professor, Richard Boyatzis’ Intentional Change Theory documents how a strong vision of one’s ideal self in a particular situation helps to support sustainable behavior changes that positively impact performance. And I have found in my work that a significant factor in this ideal self-vision is an appropriate and intentional mindset.

 

Here are a few to consider:

Curious       Courageous          Open             Decisive

Bold             Perseverant.         Resilient       Patient

Creative      Self-starting          Rebellious    Adventurous

I’ll leave you with a few other questions to ponder:

• How will this mindset help you meet your challenges?

• What might get in the way of maintaining this mindset?

• How will you REALIZE WHO YOU ARE during this time?

I wish you the best as we transition from summer to fall.

Maureen