Managing conflict is one of our most requested topics for leadership training. It’s no surprise. Whether conflicts exist at the organizational, team, or individual level, they can create distractions and drain energy. However, research shows that when conflicts are managed well, they can yield better decisions and improved outcomes (Tjosvold, Wong, Chen, 2014). One of the first steps to managing conflict well depends on your mindset and how you position yourself within the context of the challenge.
Several years ago, I was introduced to a practice by Aldo Civico, lecturer in the Negotiation and Conflict Resolution program at Columbia University’s School of Professional Studies, that I now incorporate in all my conflict management trainings.
To engage people in this practice, Civico asks you to consider a conflict you are experiencing. As you think about the conflict, he invites you to answer the following questions:
- What is the problem?
- What is the source of this problem?
- Who is to blame?
- What is blocking the solution?
- What limitations do you face in dealing with it?
He asks how you feel. Typically, people report feeling frustrated, stirred, anxious, or stuck.
Then, Civico invites you to write reflections to this second round of questions:
- Who do I want to be within the context of this situation?
- What inner resources will help me achieve this?
- How might I look, sound, and operate?
- How might this impact the situation?
- How might this impact my life?
After reflecting on these questions most people report feeling more optimistic, grounded, and even hopeful.
A critical difference between these lists of questions is that the first focuses on the problem, while the second focuses on the outcome. Perhaps more importantly, the second list of questions brings into focus who you want to be while framing an opportunity for growth. These questions engage us in the ultimate creative act of deciding how we want to show up and manage ourselves in the face of challenges.
As an Executive Coach, I often have my clients respond to this second list of questions at the start of the engagement. Whether they are dealing with conflict or simply want to grow in their leadership, these questions help them intentionally decide who they want to be and how they want to show up during the process. These intentions can be powerful as they ride the ups and downs inherent to leadership responsibilities. You might also find them to be a powerful tool to share with your team as you embark on collaboration and problem-solving together.