Maureen Breeze

It’s been said that change is the one constant throughout life.

However, deeper life transitions – those triggered by a death or divorce, the birth of a child, a job loss, or a quiet but relentless yearning inside – place us at a crossroad where we must stop. Standing at this crossroad, we must take time to question: What do we value today? What will we carry forward? What will we leave behind? What do we believe about our past? What will we create for our future? Transitions such as these typically involve a psychological shift that ultimately transforms who we are.

I remember one of my first life transitions. It was my junior in college, and I had recently returned from a semester abroad. Re-entry into my former life felt like a chokehold. Suddenly most things I had once found relevant and important no longer held meaning. I wondered if I was depressed. Getting out of bed required unfamiliar effort. All I wanted to do was sleep.

I went to see my economics professor to explain that my poor performance on the recent mid-term wasn’t a reflection of his teaching, but a lack of my effort. Always a serious student, I didn’t understand why I was disengaged, why things just didn’t matter any longer. Wise and intuitive, my professor encouraged me to be patient, to remember we move through cycles, and to give myself time to recalibrate after a semester of life-expanding experiences. He was right. I did recalibrate and fortunately loved the remainder of my college experience. I’m still grateful today for his insight.

Although I was quite young and the experience not earth shattering, it did introduce me to the dynamic cycle of transition and transformation. Once a linear thinker and passionate about numbers and the concrete world, I became eager to embrace ambiguity. The mysteries of life that evaded equations and analysis suddenly inspired me to create art and explore life from a new perspective. My career choice and my life story shifted as a result.

Salmon Rushdie wrote, “Those who don’t have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, to rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, are powerless because they can not think new thoughts.”

Transitions, while sometimes excruciatingly painful, deliver opportunities to change our stories and think new thoughts – powerful and life-altering experiences.

To rewrite our stories requires reflection and a dose of courage. Going through this process can be difficult and lonely. A common instinct is to make an external change. Take a new job, move, sell the house, divorce – anything to change the routines of our daily lives.

Most of us have a bias for action in the face of discomfort. In fact, a study of professional soccer goalies found that when defending penalty kicks, goalies who stayed in the center of the goal, instead of diving to the right or left, had a 33% change of stopping the goal. However, these professionals only stayed in the center 6% of the time, stating that taking action and ‘doing something’ instinctively felt better.¹ Whatever activity we can ‘do’ to feel like we’re impacting change can bring a sense of relief. However, such situational fixes often fail to address the beckoning of deeper psychological shifts on the horizon.

Taking time to reflect in order to consider who you are or want to become increases your capacity for deeper level transition. Perhaps it is why many 12-step recovery programs encourage new participants to hold off on major life changes in their first year. From this place of reflection, you can begin to create a vision for your future and write the next chapters of your life story.

To learn more about reflection processes that support professional and personal transitions contact us at maureenbreeze@cultivage.com. We’d love to share our resources with you.

¹Michael Bar-Eli, Ofer H. Azar, Ilana Ritov, Yael Keidar-Levin, Galit Schein, Action Bias Among Elite Soccer Goalkeepers: The case of penalty kicks; Journal of Economic Psychology, Volume 28, Issue 5, October 2007, Pages 606-621

By Maureen Breeze with Annette Watkins

Transition as a life-long process

We’ve all endured transitions. It’s part of growing up. Changes in our bodies, new schools, painful breakups, and first jobs.

Looking back, it’s clear that the person we became as the result of the transition was markedly different than the person we were before the transition.

There is however a difference between change and transition. The fundamental difference is that change is situational, whilst transition is psychological.

Many believe that once adulthood is reached, the cyclical process of emotional and psychological growth and development is over. However, research shows that adults continue to transition over the course of life. In their book Immunity to Change, authors Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey explore the role transition continues to play in adult development. They conclude that the way we see ourselves, engage with the world around us, and make meaning of life evolves as we move through specific transitions throughout adulthood.

It’s common to make tactical changes in our lives. When something no longer works or satisfies us, we might switch jobs, engage in new social circles and learn new hobbies. But there are times those these external changes fail to quell a nagging voice that tells you, “These shoes no longer fit.” The changes we make may alter circumstances, but don’t address underlying issues. This is when we know that we need more than a change and that a transition is in order. Such transitions involve a deeper shift in both what we do and how we do it, and more importantly, they center on who we are and hope to become.

Initiators of Transition

Transitions can be spurred by many things including marriage and divorce, a loss of a job, the desire for a new career, boredom, health issues, financial events, the birth of children, a death, or an empty nest. Sometimes the need for transition comes after great accomplishments. Other times, the call for transition comes from a quiet, almost inaudible voice.

When talking to prospective parents at a college, I heard a student tour guide explain the benefits of attending his small institution. “It’s a great opportunity to really get to know the professors and build deep relationships in a tight knit community. By the time you’re a senior, though, it can feel small. But that’s okay. It’s supposed to be that way. It’s time to move on.”

Time to move on. It’s at the heart of transition.

The Role Our Values Play in Transition

Whether triggered by a jarring external event or a subtle internal spur, transitions involve similar elements. First, they call for an exploration of our values to guide our decisions. What is important to us? Why is it relevant? How do these values present themselves in our daily lives?

An exploration of our values requires close examination of our changing relationship to them as well. Values help us make meaning of our world and give purpose to our lives, and when circumstances change, our relationship to certain values may shift as well. What was once of upmost importance, now may be less so. And what once might have been a prime driver in life may move to the back burner for a period of time. The process calls us to examine our values and prioritize them as we step into our next chapter.

Ultimately transition involves choices that when made consciously can impact how life unfolds through challenging and ambiguous times. In his novel, A Gentleman in Moscow, Amor Towles writes about Count Alexander Rostov, an aristocrat placed under house arrest in a Moscow hotel. The book explores this character’s journey of transition and transformation as he works to “master his circumstances lest they master him.” Inquisition, curiosity and a shift in mindset allowed him to adapt to his new surroundings and experience richness in life that might have been unknown to him without the transition.

It’s through transitions and learning to master circumstances that opportunities abound to explore who you are (mindsets, beliefs, attitudes, personalities and curiosities), what you can do (personal mission and sense of purpose), and how you choose to express your identity and chosen path.

To learn more about this exploration process, join us for a Retreat, Reinvent and Recharge workshop by emailing me at maureenbreeze@cultivage.com.

Stay tuned for more on the topic of transition as our next blog explores how you can cultivate a vision for transition and transformation, and strategies for creating blueprint goals for foundational change.

I recently read a report released by the Center for Creative Leadership, The Journey to the Top: Conversations with Successful Singaporean Women. This excellent resource offers tips to both employers and aspiring women, while stressing the importance of having confidence in oneself, and the ability to instill confidence in others. Yet, while we know that confidence is critical for success, strategies for actually building confidence aren’t as readily available.

Over the years I’ve had the privilege of coaching a broad spectrum of clients who struggle with self-confidence. They include accomplished engineers, straight A college students, high-level university administrators, and bold entrepreneurs. While they excel in many areas in life, they’re taunted by subtle fears of not being able to deliver on a new endeavor, of falling short of expectations, and of finally meeting that one daunting challenge they won’t be able to conquer.

Together, we deconstruct confidence to identify attributes that can contribute to a strong foundation upon which a belief in oneself and one’s abilities can be built. We then create plans to cultivate and nurture this foundation. Some of these attributes include curiosity, powerful choices, connections, awe and wonder, and are transferable to different areas of challenge in our lives. They aren’t tied to one set of skills to be mastered.

In my last blog I wrote about the attributes of curiosity, connection and choice as they relate to cultivating confidence. Today, I’ll focus on two additional pillars: purpose and belonging.

It’s commonly agreed that one’s belief in an ability to learn and adapt is at the center of self-confidence. If we believe we can learn new things, overcome obstacles and move towards mastery, we’re much more likely to take on new challenges with greater confidence. However, research now reveals that the conditions that are present when we learn new things, such as our emotional state, relationships to those with whom we’re engaging, and sense of belonging, can profoundly influence our belief system, and therefore impact our confidence level.

Numerous studies show the powerful link between emotions and learning. How we feel impacts our ability to remain attentive, to conquer new material and memorize concepts, to reason, and problem-solve.¹ And our feelings in a new learning environment are impacted by our relationship to both what we’re learning and our sense of purpose and belonging.

A child inspired by a video game easily tackles advancing levels of play because of a love for the game. A strong emotional connection to the content is all that’s needed to drive the learning. But when the content of what’s being tackled isn’t an emotional driver, other factors can heighten the emotional connection to fuel the learning process.

A participant in one of my coaching workshops wanted to learn how to snow board but was terrified by the prospect. She didn’t particularly like outdoor sports and the process was daunting. However, there was a strong purpose for her to take on the challenge. Her stepchild was a snowboarding enthusiast, and learning to snowboard her self presented an opportunity for bonding. This purpose gave her the emotional energy she needed to pursue the challenge. Over a few short months she went from a state of no confidence to one of surety as she mastered gliding down Colorado’s Rocky Mountains on a snowboard.

A sense of purpose can be the reason we exist or the reason we do something. It can be rooted in our survival, triggered by a desire to contribute, or connected to altruistic goals such as making the world a better place.

Simon Sinek, the organization consultant and Ted Talk sensation, helps organizations focus attention on why they do what they do. He believes the ‘why’ is what inspires people, what gets employees out of bed in the morning. If organizations know their ‘why’ and are connected to their purpose, they more effectively deliver on ‘what’ they do and ‘how’ they do it.

But how does purpose correlate to self- confidence?

Purpose directs our energy. It supplies us with needed fuel to move past the friction of fear. A sense of purpose also offers two other perspectives:

Purpose pushes us to think outside of ourselves. When we lack confidence we can become myopic. Our insecurities drive us to focus on what we can’t do, where we’re challenged, and what we might lack in a situation. Purpose lifts our focus to something beyond ourselves. Victor Frankel, the holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, spent much of his mental energy in the concentration camp reconstructing a manuscript that had been destroyed. His purpose was to hold onto his life’s work while enduring horrific atrocities. It sustained him when he had little confidence in life itself.

Purpose gives us hope. It points to what might be possible. It’s a psychic burst of energy that fuels our action when we doubt our abilities. After my father was left a quadriplegic from a car accident, my mother, who was in emotional shock while caring for three young children, needed to go to work. With few career skills and little direction, a wise mentor told her to remember a time when she was happy and full of hope. She recalled her days in school and the joy she experienced when learning. From this reflection, she decided to find work at a university. To secure a job in administration, she needed to be a proficient typist. With little cash on hand, she rented a typewriter and practiced for a week. She then took the test and failed. She tried a second week and failed again. What little confidence she might have had was shattered. But a sense of purpose – providing for her family and returning to a place she once loved dearly – gave her the hope and sustenance to persevere. She rented the typewriter for a third week, practiced diligently and passed the test on the third try, which launched a 30-year fulfilling career.

In addition to purpose, a sense of belonging, when consciously cultivated, can be another foundational pillar for confidence.

Neuroscience research is beginning to capture what happens to the brain when we experience a lack of belonging and social disconnection. It appears that the amygdala, the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula, become activated when we experience social threats, much like we do when we perceive potential for physical harm.² Being in a constant state of fight or flight can wreak havoc on one’s confidence. At the same time, research offers high correlations between strong social connections with greater physical health and longevity.

Education psychologists are now examining the impact that belonging has on learning. A recent Stanford study studied the impact of social-belonging interventions to support women entering predominately male-dominated fields. The interventions, including affirmation training and integration strategies, led to improved performance and greater confidence for participants³. Because a lack of confidence often plagues us most when we attempt to learn something new, methods for creating social-belonging that can be implemented by both institutions and individuals, can greatly impact overall confidence.

When Google examined how to build the best team through the launch of Project Aristotle, they found similar correlations. With mounds of data at their fingertips, they searched for drivers for high performing teams. They thought the answer might lie in gender mix, experience levels, or a calculated balance of extroverts and introverts. It turns out that empathy, equitable conversation turn-taking, and the ability to have ‘emotional’ conversations are critical drivers for most effective teams. These dynamics require elements of both trust and vulnerability – elements that stem from a strong sense of belonging.

Neither a sense of belonging nor a sense of purpose guarantee confidence, but they provide the fertile ground for growing and riding the curve from not-knowing to knowing. If you or someone with whom you work lacks confidence, take time to reflect on the “why” behind the activity, along with strategies to cultivate connections with others in the environment. Doing this can create optimal conditions for thriving in a state of insecurity as one embarks on new and unfamiliar territory.

¹ Tyng, CM. (2017). The Influences of Emotion on Learning and Memory, Front Psychol. 2017; 8: 1454. Published online 2017 Aug 24. doi:  10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01454

² Eisenberger, MI & Cole SW. (2012). Social neuroscience and health: neurophysiological mechanisms linking social ties with physical health. Nat Neurosci. 2012 Apr 15;15(5):669-74. doi: 10.1038/nn.3086.

³ Walton, Gregory & Logel, Christine & Peach, Jennifer & J. Spencer, Steven & P. Zanna, Mark. (2014). Two Brief Interventions to Mitigate a “Chilly Climate” Transform Women’s Experience, Relationships, and Achievement in Engineering. Journal of Educational Psychology. 107. 10.1037/a0037461.

Several years ago I was coaching a team of community college educators. They were struggling with a cohort of students who harbored big dreams but lacked the skills to effectively pursue them. “These students know how to dream. They know how to think big,” the administrator said, “but they don’t have the abilities needed to move forward. And when they realize the gap between their ambitions and skills, it’s crushing.”

These educators were battling a pervasive myth: Simply tell children to believe that they can do anything they aspire to, and they will develop great self-esteem and confidence. The problem with this statement was that if often lacked the follow-up guidance to develop the required skills, willpower and way-power to pursue such ambitions. As a society, we’ve observed that confidence doesn’t come through words alone, but more likely earned through actions.

As a result, the equation confidence = competence has taken root. By developing competencies and mastering skills, confidence and improved self-esteem should follow.

But this isn’t absolutely true either.

I’ve coached several highly competent executives and seasoned professionals who secretly share a nagging lack of belief in their abilities. It rears its ugly head in my own life as well. Achieving a high-level of competence in one domain doesn’t mean we’re more confident overall. In fact, it can negatively impact our ability to take new risks outside an area of expertise. It can be hard to hop on a new horse!

Confidence comes from both who we believe and know ourselves to be, and what we believe and know we can do. And this belief is bred through comfort with the learning cycle – traveling from novice to expert, from unknowing to knowing, from ignorance to understanding. It’s how we navigate this process of becoming competent that reveals our confidence quotient. This process can be informed by many factors – a sense of purpose, realistic optimism, self-awareness and resilience, among other things –all foundational attributes of confidence that can both be developed and leveraged.

The rallying cry “fake it until you make it” is often used to encourage people to step into the unknown despite a lack of confidence. And there seems to be some magic to this. But I believe what’s really happening is that people call upon some of these other foundational attributes of confidence to help them through an arduous learning curve. In reality, it’s not so much about faking it, but about relying on self-awareness, resilience, curiosity, and other foundational attributes in the face of not knowing. And in my work with professionals who might be susceptible to feeling like an imposter, it’s critical to differentiate faking it from relying on other factors positively affecting confidence.

Three foundational attributes that I’ve found to render particularly high impact on one’s confidence are curiosity, connection and choice.

Developing a Curious Mindset

Think about a time you were curious about something. What feelings or reactions did you experience in this curiosity state? Was it a sense of wonder? A desire to learn more? A nudge to look more closely?

Curiosity is an inviting stance. It calls us in and opens our minds. It begs for questions as opposed to demanding answers. It invites us to engage in a non-competitive way. If we approach new learning from a place of curiosity as opposed to a place of demanding expectations, we’re more likely to dive in and tackle a trial & error experience without the fear of failure hovering over us.

Being curious tells us it’s okay to explore and be a beginner. It can shift the focus from internal bantering of “I might not be good/smart/capable enough…” to a less judgmental view point of “What might this be like?” or “How might this work?” or “What might I experience?”

Approaching a daunting situation from a curious mindset helps us to listen more intently and take in information from unlikely sources, to entertain alternative points of view, and explore different approaches. Perhaps a better approach to building confidence involves developing an aptitude for curiosity. Here are some questions to consider:

• When feeling less confident, how likely are you to approach the experience from a place of curiosity?
• Where can you replace worry with a curious mindset?
• How might being curious shift your approach to a situation where you lack confidence?
• What can you say to yourself to remember to stay curious?

Establishing Connections

Establishing personal connections supplies us with allies and resources to navigate new terrain. Knowing we have someone to turn to with questions or when in need of affirmation can make all the difference in boosting our confidence.

Such connections also create a sense of belonging, which can be a critical component for confidence. Research originally pioneered by Dr. Uri Treisman shows that when college students connect with others and experience a sense of belonging, they are more likely to overcome challenges of being in a new learning environment. Many colleges now embrace the idea that a sense of belong for students, whether in the form of a study group, a connection to a faculty or staff member, or membership to a campus organization, are critical factors for student success and retention. I believe the same rule applies for the larger world. When we feel connected to others, we’re more likely to build confidence and stay in the game.

In addition to connecting to others, the ability to make connections between our personal experiences provides huge confidence boosts as well. Rarely do we deconstruct both our failures and successes, and make critical connections to identify what key influences led to particular outcomes.

When considering a past experience that was challenging you might reflect on the following:

• Where within the experience did you experience ease?
• What was challenging about the experience?
• When did a temptation to quit hit?
• What contributed to feeling overwhelmed?
• What coping mechanisms worked well?
• What was the tipping point when things began to come together?

An example for me comes from when I was nine and attempting to ski for the first time. After a morning spent on a ten-foot mound learning to snowplow and stop, the instructor told me I was ready to take the chairlift to the top of the mountain. I looked over at the lift that carried passengers 20 feet high off the ground. It careened up and over the mountain’s horizon beyond my view. Not being able to see how the passengers dismounted, I assumed they had to jump from the chair in mid-air. I quickly told my instructor I was sick and spent the rest of the day drinking hot chocolate in the lodge. That evening my sister explained how the lift lowers skiers to a small ramp where they easily stand up and slide down on their skis. After feeling slightly embarrassed by my fear, I was willing to give skiing a second try.

Today, when facing daunting challenges, the mental chatter still attacks with a loud roar. This is out of your zone. You don’t know how to do this. Who do you think you are to try this? The doubts go on and on. To keep them from completely stripping my confidence I connect to my memory of skiing for the first time. I tell myself: Get on the lift. You can’t see beyond the horizon yet. Connecting with this metaphor keeps me moving forward.

Perhaps an approach to building confidence should focus on connecting – with people, personal stories and metaphors that help to manage doubt and see the big picture.

• What personal connections would you like to cultivate?
• Who in your network boosts/strips your confidence?
• What metaphors can you connect with in the face of doubt?
• What past successes can you deconstruct to examine how you learn, how you move through not knowing, and how you handle ambiguity?

Making Powerful Choices

What was the last powerful choice you made? What outcome resulted?

A lack of confidence can hold us back from making powerful choices, taking on new opportunities and developing our full potential. Many opportunities require a leap of faith. They demand we say ‘yes’ in the face of uncertainty. They rarely guarantee success. But by making a conscious choice to move forward, we plant a seed for confidence.

The practice of stepping out into the unknown, precisely when we lack confidence, actually breeds this belief in our powers and abilities. Think of the young child shivering with fear on the diving board who transforms with a look of absolute joy after jumping in and coming up from under water.

It’s a bit of a paradox. The best way to build confidence is to act on situations where we lack it. And doing so in incremental ways allows us to develop skills and see ourselves in new ways without risking huge failures. For example, if you lack confidence voicing your opinions at work, you might commit to contributing one thought at every meeting as a constructive way to start. A small, but powerful choice to push yourself out of your comfort zone today will help you build the confidence to make the big leaps tomorrow.

When powerful choices are aligned with a greater purpose, confidence can grow exponentially. How many of you have witnessed a parent who is quiet, reserved and uncomfortable speaking out until his or her child is hurt or negatively impacted by a situation. Suddenly, the protective tiger kicks in, and the parent swiftly makes a move. When required actions aren’t about us, but about those we serve or about our greater purpose at large, the ability to move decisively and confidently seems to appear out of nowhere. This idea takes us back to other foundational attributes of confidence, such as a sense of purpose, which I’ll address in another blog.

• What powerful choices are you making to build confidence?
• What incremental steps can you take today to shape who you will be and what you can do tomorrow?
• Where are you in service of an idea or person that ignites your confidence? What connections can you make about this?

Practicing the Power of “Yet”

Building confidence happens over time, and for most of us, it’s something we practice continually throughout our lives. There’s one word that helps to travel this cycle from not knowing to knowing – yet. I don’t know yet. I can’t do this yet. I’m not competent yet. I don’t believe in myself yet.

By remaining curious, making connections, and choosing to boldly take steps in the face of uncertainty, you’ll build your confidence quotient. And when success isn’t immediate, take time to remind yourself – you might not be there yet, but you’re on your way.

Two weeks ago, Nicolas Kristof wrote an Op-Ed piece, Why 2017 Was the Best Year in History, for The New York Times. His point was that in a time of hurricanes and fires, disruption and political unrest, it’s easy to overlook that in 2017 fewer people around the world went hungry, more were literate than ever, fewer lived in extreme poverty, and more had access to clean drinking water.

Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s going well.

We’re conditioned to look for what’s wrong and aim to improve it. But overlooking what is going well can impede our abilities to make positive gains. It takes a lot of energy to address weaknesses, and a clear picture of what is going well can provide much needed fuel and perspective.

Gallup has invested heavily in this thinking. Their StrengthsFinder curriculum, based on Don Clifton’s strength psychology, helps people identify their strengths and leverage what they do well. Their research points out that people who are working with their ‘strengths’ do better, have more energy and are better equipped to manage shortcomings.

It’s a luxury to always be working in our strength areas, and as leaders and managers, we must examine both our own and our team’s weaknesses if we want to stay in business. But strategic leaders ensure there is plenty of fuel to tackle difficult situations – fuel in terms of time, support, and most importantly, energy. Knowing what is going well can provide a tangible and positive source of energy.

In Jim Collins’s latest book, Great by Choice, he shares stories of companies who have thrived in uncertainty and chaos to beat their industry indexes by ten times or more over fifteen years. One example he cites is how Southwest Airlines focused on what they did well in the midst of industry change, crises and recession. A big part of their operational strategy was to collect empirical evidence for what they did well – ensuring high aircraft utilization, short turn around times, and a fun people-oriented culture – and remain committed to these things in times of distraction and chaos.

This practice of assessing what is going well is one we can integrate with regularity into our businesses and personal lives.

When working with clients, I begin by assessing what’s working well across the board. And when I’m coaching someone through a difficult failure, I always begin with “What went well in this situation?”

If we can start the exploration from this point of view, teasing through challenges and failures is often less daunting. There is a lot of wisdom to glean from what’s right in a given situation.

Engaging in a “well” inventory on a regular basis can be a powerful practice. How might your business evolve when you are clear about what you do well? How might New Year’s resolutions differ if you launch from this perspective? How might addressing your challenges and inefficiencies be informed by knowing what you are doing right?

Here are a few questions to jumpstart your reflection:

• What are three successes your organization has had this past year?
• What contributed to these successes?
• What are you proud of?
• What would outsiders say that your enterprise does well?
• What about your work would your competitors wish to copy?
• Where have you had the greatest growth this year?
• Where did you have the highest return on your effort?
• Who has benefited from your work this year?
• How might you quantify this benefit?
• In five years, if you were to look back, what were the best things the organization accomplished this year?
• If you could live last year over again, what would you do the same?

If you’d like to learn more about integrating “well” inventories into your business strategy or personal practice, please contact us at info@cultivage.com.