Ideas that Matter

 

Several months ago, while attending a coaching training with Whitney Johnson, we discussed the role that entitlement plays in inhibiting growth. When it was suggested that all clients must battle entitlement, I resisted.

As I thought about it, I realized I was stuck on the word entitlement. It triggered me. It called to mind being spoiled, demanding, and deserving; qualities that I had a hard time believing pertained to EVERYONE. So, I sat with the dissonance and dug deeper. I asked myself, what causes entitlement? What creates this human experience? With reflection, I came to see entitlement as the result of not being able to work through disappointment when expectations differ from reality. Getting stuck in disappointment chokes our adaptive capacity and leaves us prey to entitlement.

We all experience grave disappointments throughout life. Perhaps it is a promotion we didn’t get, a contract falling through, a relationship ending, a loved one facing disease, or a raging pandemic. When life deals us disappointing experiences, it is easy to feel that ‘this is not how it was supposed to be.’ The challenge then rests in moving beyond these feelings.

A dear friend of mine faced personal tragedy when his four-year old daughter broke her neck in an accident, leaving her a quadriplegic. When his wife lamented over ‘what might have been’ had the accident not occurred, he reminded her that they had to stay in full acceptance of their new reality. Looking back at what might have been would only hurt them. So, for the last twenty years together with their daughter, this family has created a beautiful life filled with strength, courage, and resilience.

My colleague and contributor to this article, Dr. Annette Watkins, offers Richard Holling’s research as a lens for adaptation. Holling, an ecologist referred to as the “Father of Resilience Thinking,” studied natural systems – forests, fisheries, lakes, and swamps – to determine their capacity for resilience and adaptation when crises such as a fire and overwhelming pollution occurred. When comparing nature to human created systems, he found that nature is more capable of exploiting a challenging event and transforming it to an opportunity for growth, reorganization and sustainability because of its inherent diversity and variability. Sustainability is not achieved by stability but by adaptability in the face of challenge. He pointed to Darwin’s observation that ‘it is not the strong or smartest that survive. It is simply those animals most responsive to change.’

Rolling’s research illuminates adaptive human behavior.

At the heart of adaptation is acceptance and a focus on what can be controlled within a situation. Once we identify what is within our control, we can determine how to use the opportunity to grow and evolve by diversifying our thinking and tapping into different resources. The process runs parallel to innovation, and it is no accident that innovation has been a cornerstone for many individuals and organizations during 2020.

It has been a privilege to watch many of you innovate and adapt this year. We’ve personally been privy to you:

• Repositioning your enterprises

• Launching new careers

• Leading virtual teams

• Producing gala events on-line, and

• Collaborating across countries and industries to stay afloat.

Yes, there has been grave disappointment in 2020, AND people have adapted brilliantly. When people and organizations accept, align, and adapt, they transition from disappointment to possibility. It appears the formula for battling entitlement and driving innovation are one in the same.

As 2020 rolls into 2021, we must continue to process disappointment and the way we thought things should have been. This time in history requires us to:

Accept the new reality fraught with limitations and ripe with opportunities while releasing expectations of what ‘should’ have been
Align our core values and missions to the opportunities in this new reality
Adapt to new processes for moving forward one step at a time.

Carolyn Myss, an intellectual and spiritual leader, brought Samuel D. Kassow’s book, Who Will Write Our History, to my attention. The book tells of Emanual Ringelblum, a Jewish historian who collected the stories of Polish Jews both before and during the Warsaw ghetto. Once in the ghetto, Ringelblum noticed that those who held onto who they were and the lives they led before the war, were the least likely to survive. Clinging to professional titles, past privileges and status kept them from adapting to the new reality. Survival did not correlate with their physical strength and might, but instead on their ability to accept and adapt. Myss states in her summary of the book, “personal history and how one imagines how their life should be, in other words, becomes a burden in times of crisis.”

2020 has forced us to develop skills for adaptability and innovation. It has demanded we battle entitlement. And we will be better for it.

Last week I took an adult ballet class.

While executing the adagio (a slow combination of steps requiring balance, high leg extensions and absolute control), I critically compared the reflection in the mirror with my younger self…a former professional dancer whose movements were certainly more agile and balance more dependable.

As I wobbled on one leg, three words floated up from deep within. Just dance it. Don’t over analyze your balance, don’t obsess that your leg that won’t go above 90 degrees, don’t think about the next transition. Just dance it.

So I immediately committed to expressing the music and making meaning of the movement. I shifted to performance mode and danced for an imaginary audience. And as I did this, my balance took care of itself, my leg lifted with greater ease, and the steps meld together.

Everything changed the second I committed.

It felt a lot like ‘faking it until making it.” However, it’s less about faking and more about committing. Committing to the action and getting out of your head.

At RRR, we work with women transitioning into new roles, trying on new careers and advancing into challenging leadership positions. In this state of transition, many women question their capacity and worry that they don’t have what it takes. We find that it comes down to this idea of committing to action – to the dance, to speaking up at a meeting, to a new career or leadership role.

There are over one hundred verified studies that show committing to a behavior will yield wanted results eventually. Stand in positions of confidence and you’ll begin to feel more confident. Force a smile on your face and you’ll begin to feel happier.

Perhaps the most celebrated researcher in this space is Dr. Amy Cuddy who has spent a decade studying power poses. Although her initial research correlating power poses to a rise in testosterone (power hormone) and decline in cortisol (stress hormone) has been challenged, she now stands by her findings that show expansive postures can actually breed confidence and increase capacity.

As Millard Fuller, founder of Habitat for Humanity once said, “It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of acting.” It’s a lot like riding a bike. You can observe the mechanics and study how to pedal and apply the brakes from afar, but you don’t actually learn to ride a bike until you commit to the action – pushing the pedals, steadying the handlebar, and making constant micro adjustments with your body.

We will leave with you a heart-warming video of a young Spanish dancer who commits to action and transforms before your eyes. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAflReKAiIo/

Perhaps Nike has had it right all along…Just Do It!

 

The following Maya Angelou quote is a timely calling card for 2020.

“Stand up straight and realize who you are, that you tower over your circumstances.”

Realize who you are… The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines realize as the act of bring something into concrete existence. These last several months in the midst of this pandemic and tumultuous economy, I’ve witnessed many of you realize who you are as innovators, problem-solvers, servants and savvy leaders. You have had to rethink your goods and services, supply chains and the heart of your mission. And you’ve been pushed out of your comfort zone and challenged to the core, demanding you stand up and bring new parts of yourself into being.

There’s great value in learning how to show up in new ways for different situations, stakeholders and challenges. Many years ago when I served as the Executive Director of JUMPSTART Productions, I quickly learned that working with producers, artists, funders, government agents and audiences demanded different ways of thinking and being. Some circumstances required showing up strategically minded, others creatively or analytically minded. A one-size-fits-all approach rarely works for leaders.

Today as an Executive Coach, I enjoy supporting clients as they consider who they need to be in a given situation. I find that we’re typically focused on what we need to do, and then how to go about doing it. But we often overlook the critical third pillar: who we need to be. When we embrace the best mindset for a situation – whether it’s being bold, decisive, cautious, patient, or humble – we can then more easily identify the driving behaviors to engage and critical choices to make for the greatest effect. It can be a great tool for you to use with those you manage at coach. Helping your employees consider when they need to show up can make the difference between mediocre and stellar performance.

Case Western Reserve University professor, Richard Boyatzis’ Intentional Change Theory documents how a strong vision of one’s ideal self in a particular situation helps to support sustainable behavior changes that positively impact performance. And I have found in my work that a significant factor in this ideal self-vision is an appropriate and intentional mindset.

 

Here are a few to consider:

Curious       Courageous          Open             Decisive

Bold             Perseverant.         Resilient       Patient

Creative      Self-starting          Rebellious    Adventurous

I’ll leave you with a few other questions to ponder:

• How will this mindset help you meet your challenges?

• What might get in the way of maintaining this mindset?

• How will you REALIZE WHO YOU ARE during this time?

I wish you the best as we transition from summer to fall.

Maureen

Uncertainty surrounds us. We don’t have to look far to see its impact. Daily doses of news regarding COVID-19, stock market volatility, and business closures remind us that we live in what the military coined as a VUCA time: volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous.

Collectively, we’re experiencing rapid transitions on an unprecedented scale. Remote worksites are rapidly become the norm, borders are closing and social distancing has become a common term in our lexicon.

Managing our response to uncertainty and choosing how we will face each day during this challenging time greatly impacts us as individuals, as well as the collective. In this volatile time, how we think and show up matters.

Here are some thoughts to help you and your teams navigate this time of ambiguity:

Decide what you can and cannot control. Many behavior scientists and psychologists agree that identifying what is within your control creates a sense of self-efficacy. This process allows you to channel nervous energy in a positive direction. What actions can you take today to improve your situation?

At the same time, explore ways you can adapt to what is out of your control. Victor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” What are ways you can adapt to things out of your control? In order to adapt, how might you limit negativity and positively connect with others? How can you adjust your expectations and improve team morale? You might find some of the following ideas helpful in situations requiring adaptability.

Stoke a sense of optimism. Dr. Martin Seligman from the University of Pennsylvania has spent the majority of his career studying positive psychology and optimism. He defines optimism as a belief that with effort, you can impact the outcome. Years of research illustrate that those with a stronger sense of optimism handle set backs with greater ease and are more resilient.

To cultivate optimism, focus on three things: your thinking, your language, and your successes. If you look at a difficult situation as temporary and changeable over time, you’ll be much more likely to make impactful choices to successfully change or adapt to it. Remember, everything is in a state of motion, and ‘this, too, shall pass.’ Avoid absolute language such as never or always, and make use of the powerful word ‘yet.’ For example, I have not transformed this situation yet. Last of all, set specific, process-oriented goals, which are dependent on your effort, not on matters outside of your control. And celebrate small successes. By acknowledging incremental wins, you’ll boost your optimism.

Engage in the power of giving. Last Sunday a customer at the Coaches Bar and Grill in Ohio left a $2500 tip on his $30 tab, a sizable gift to help the workers who had just learned that their restaurant was closing due to the Coronavirus pandemic.  Nothing creates a sense of wellbeing during turbulent times like giving. Harvard Business School professor, Lara Aknin and her team of colleagues researched the impact that giving has on people across the globe. They found that the positive psychological effect of helping others in need is universal, and in terms of happiness and satisfaction, the act of giving can create an effect of doubling one’s income.

There are many ways we can give during uncertain times. Sending a thoughtful message to a co-worker, saying hello and making eye contact with a store clerk, writing a positive review on Yelp, or volunteering to run to the store for an elderly neighbor are all ways we can give, and at the same time reap emotional benefits.

Find Beauty. When did you last pause to look at a snow-capped mountain, smell the scent of blooming lilacs or watch a stream of water cascade over a waterfall? Taking time to engage in a sense of wonder and to experience awe and beauty has transformative effects. According to Dr. Dacher Keltner of UC Berkely, engaging in beauty, wonder and awe gives people the sense that they have more available time, while increasing feelings of connectedness and positive mood. It’s even been shown in some cases to reduce chronic inflammation. To learn more about the powerful impact awe, wonder and beauty can have on us during times of transition, watch his video, Why Awe is Such and Important Emotion.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/video/item/why_awe_such_important_emotion

I will leave you today with a gift from world-renowned cellist, Yo-Yo Ma. He is recording and posting some of the songs that give him comfort during these days of anxiety. I hope you have a chance to listen to his touching music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrBOkHfvNSY

I wish you the best during this ambiguous time,

Maureen Breeze

 

 

 

What do you do when you find yourself at a crossroad? When your current life no longer ‘fits’, yet your next steps are unclear? When you’re ready for a new chapter to begin, but you don’t know how to initiate change?

Regardless of what’s brought you to the crossroad, taking time to reconnect with your values, your curiosities and instincts can help you move forward with greater ease and success.

Many of us approach transition from an analytical mindset. We ask ourselves questions such as: What do I want to do with my time? How can I earn a living? What steps do I need to take to maintain or regain balance in my life? Analyzing your next steps by reflecting on what you currently know and believe is important during transition; however, kernels of personal wisdom to inform your process are available if you take time to connect with yourself on a deeper level.

Through reconnecting with your self, you’ll be able to tap into your creativity and intuition; tools that will help you discover new pathways for your life. At the same time, it will help you build a reservoir of emotional energy, which is critical for launching a new trajectory. How many times have said to yourself, “I’d make a change if only I had the energy?”

So how do we foster this deep reconnection, especially when our lives are busy or when we’re healing from a difficult episode? Here are a few strategies for self-connection that will reenergize you while revealing opportunities and guiding your choices.

• • Revisit what you once loved. What brought you joy as a child? What stirred wonder in your soul? What had you flying out of bed on a Saturday morning brimming with anticipation? Reflecting on experiences that once fully engaged you shed light on what you might want to reintroduce into your life. What experiences brought you joy that you’d like to tap back into?
  • Sing and dance. You might feel that you’re too old to sing and dance. Maybe you’re tone deaf or move as if you have two left feet. It doesn’t matter. Music and movement help us get out of our heads, if only temporarily, and allow us to experience different senses. When analysis paralysis strikes, or when you get on the gerbil wheel of your own thoughts, breaking these patterns through kinesthetic experiences of singing and dancing creates opportunities for new insights to emerge. And research confirms that singing and dancing release endorphins that provide a calming, yet energizing effect, while increasing the neuroplasticity in your brain. Reconnecting to these primal activities improves your health and helps you navigate the stress that can accompany life transitions (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23089077). How can you reconnect with music and movement?
  • Make a weekly date with yourself. In Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist Way, she encourages artists to go on a weekly date by themselves to explore something that makes them curious. It could be an outing with an old camera, a trip to wander the aisles of a hard ware or fabric store, or a hike in the woods. The only rules: go alone, make it a weekly ritual, and explore what strikes you. This sage advice transfers wonderfully to women in transition. Remember, you are born with a creative capacity. Taking weekly dates with yourself allows you to access your creative side, which can then help you identify new possibilities for your next life chapter. What will you do on a date with yourself this week?
  • Act on your intuition. We often hope for a ‘sign’ to guide our next steps; a signal to tell us whether to take a new job, move to a new city, or leave a relationship. Yes – intuition can guide you well in these big life moments. However, if you’re not used to listening deeply to yourself, it can be hard to access. You can help yourself by building your intuition muscle. How often do you get a hunch to call a friend out of the blue? To tell someone what they mean to you? To slow down when you’re driving? It’s common for us to have intuitive hits that we ignore. And often, it’s only later or after the fact that we reconnect with our hunches and recognize that our intuition was prompting us to action. So make an effort to listen to yourself daily when you get a hunch to reach out to someone, to clean out that closet, or read a certain article. Then act on it. You’ll be developing your ability to perceive and intuit situations on a deeper level, honing a capacity that will help you effectively navigate your crossroad. What hunches have called you to action recently?
  • Designate time for reconnection. Only you can ensure you have time for reconnecting with yourself. No one will give it to you. Schedule it on your calendar. Institute a $50 cancellation fee if that helps. Your time is as worthy as your dentist’s. You don’t have to schedule hours on end. It can be shorter segments, but ones that allow for unbroken focus on an activity that fosters reconnection. Brigid Schulte, author of Overwhelmed, writes about women’s greatest enemy – a lack of time to herself. This lack of time impacts our creativity and our ability to give voice to the ideas we have for our lives. So choose what time you’re willing to dedicate for reconnection and make it a priority. Committing to yourself in practice will in turn feed your energy. When will regular time for reconnection be scheduled on your calendar?

Making an effort to connect to what you know, believe, sense and perceive will give you clarity and inspiration. You might be surprised at how energizing this process can be, and the fuel it provides for moving forward.